Google Summer of Code - Taste of Defeat

You can cry your heart out. You can scold yourself for making initial wrong choices and continuing to work on them. But you just can't go back in time and tell yourself you're making a mistake.

This is a post for future self. You can stop reading here. It has a lot of rant. It has a lot of shallow thoughts. It has written descriptions of thoughts, an hour after not getting selected. Why am I publishing publically then? I just want this to be out there.
If you aren't me, stop reading.
Seriously. Close the tab.

For the first 45 minutes, I had no thoughts. The only occasional thought was, some days aren't yours. The past couple of days, that feeling of joy never struck. I did not feel like a winner. Just like the day I gave my bitsat examination 3 years ago. I worked my ass off for two years, was crazy about it, dreamt of how it'd be at BITS every night, wrote the university's name on every book, every floor tile, my whiteboard, but starting a couple days before the exam till the exam took place, I just knew it wasn't going to happen. Today, I was alone on the terrace of our lecture building. 45 minutes there, and all I said to myself was, alright. Occasionally told myself what my father says, life is full of exams, and this isn't the last one. You failed this one, you'll top the next. I then made the mistake of calling a friend. And that's when the emotion train burst. Lots of introspection.

I chose BuildmLearn. Indian organization doing work that didn't interest me. Big mistake.
I wanted GSoC for the money. Period. Mistake number two.
I tried taking the easy road, the less interesting work, the quick path to fame. Mistake number three.

The work was a 7 days job, not kidding. (I've made applications of similar kind, in 6 days. When I say 7 days, I really mean it.) I made a whole beautiful timeline of how I'd stretch it for the entire duration of the summer. Even the org mentor knows the ease of this project.

I wanted to be independent. I wanted to go on a solo trip to Ladakh with my money. I wanted to buy my brother an expensive telescope. I wanted to buy myself studs, for I still play with those indoor shoes. I am ashamed of asking my parents for money, heck I turned 21 today and I really should not ask them for money for any of my needs now. The bird has long left its nest. 
You know how IITians just have it so easy, because everywhere they go, all they have to say is they're from IIT and everyone around will have this newfound respect for them. However shallow this may sound, I wanted GSoC to polish my already sparkling resume. I wanted the easy way. I wanted my friends to feel proud of the fact they have a gsocer friend.
All in all, I was trying to defeat the purpose of summer of code. Code isn't your road to fame. It definitely leads you there, but you don't code with that intention. I chose an easy project. I then tried to cover up for it by working really hard on the proposal. I knew from the start the org was upto no good with the sort of projects they've been listing out every year, and it continues to surprise me how they keep getting selected.

I went through the proposal of the student that got selected for the project I chose. There was almost no difference. I agree, his wireframes were a little cleaner than mine. But I had better content. I really thought content would matter more than pretty pictures. I sent github repos of interesting code pieces I've worked on. I thought code would matter more than pretty pictures.
Heck, mine were pretty too.
Want to compare, now don't you? -_- Human. Always want to compare.
Not selected vs Selected. Black vs White. Heck. Racism.

Tomorrow I'll get to know who got selected. I'll curse myself for I know I was better than them. It was my mistake; I wasn't smart enough in choosing an interesting project, a good organization. They'll be happy. I'll be sad for I could have been one of them. Yes, that is how shallow human nature is. I'll go through their proposals. I'll feel worse.

End of blogpost.

And if you ended up reading this, whoever you are other than me.
Judge. Judge all you want, for you are human too.


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