Finding My Parter
- Finding my partner feels more like finding my kind.
- I’m this rare mix of an Indian boy with Indian familial ties, but European hobbies and a European way of leading life. I've lived in both worlds for 15 years each. There aren't many that have seen and lived in both worlds, and experienced completely different ways of life.
- Maybe I am asking for too much, but I don’t understand why one wouldn’t. If I have high standards for most things that I do in life, why wouldn’t I hope or want my partner to think from the same lens?
- Here's my value system.
- Be generally optimistic.
A positive, happy person whose baseline state is to lean towards an optimistic outlook towards everything in life.
- Be fit.
If one is not physically fit, there's low chance they're mentally fit. Plus, being fit shows discipline and consistency.
- Be hard working.
Everything in life is a project. From raising children, to picking up groceries weekly, to building a home. And no one wants to work with a lazy person.
- Have a happy childhood and a good relationship with parents and siblings.
This is pretty much out of one's control. Childhood trauma never really leaves a person. And there's very few people one can call their own. Everyone needs that one safe space.
- People change, and yet their cores remain the same. The hard part is, you never really know what the core is until you've experienced enough change.
The only way to find out if their value system aligns with yours is to spend time with them. One can paint a pretty picture with words, but it's only once you live with them that you figure out what their day to day, month to month routine is like.
- I'm pretty certain I want an Indian girl who has lived in Europe. Or a non-Indian girl who was brought up with a family relationship similar to mine and has traveled to and likes India.
- Language is a barrier, and I would love for us to be able to speak or learn each other's mother tongues. I feel this is also an important aspect for children.
- Germany isn’t the place to find love if I was looking for a European person. The society is far too individualistic and distant from the family-oriented upbringing I grew up in.
- Germany, or Europe in general also doesn’t have a high enough number of Indian women. Maybe finding a partner is truly a numbers game, but my hope is that the hit-ratio is a lot higher in Europe.
- I haven’t met her yet, but I’m working as hard as I can right now so that I’m fit, look my best, and am financially well to do for our kids, for when I finally meet her. It saddens me that my social circle tells me I’m expecting too much of her to do the same.
- Love is far more about respect, than it is about attraction. If I respect a person’s work ethic, their way of leading their life, or their achievements, I’m far more likely to be attracted to them in the long term.
- I used to think I wanted a partner who lived a parallel life to mine - who worked hard in her career and had her own individual life, and our lives would somehow intertwine through sport, or reading, a hobby, or lastly, just the very every day chores of life.
I now view that as completely wrong. Instead, I want us to work together on projects. Everything in life is a project - from raising children, to picking up groceries weekly, to building a home. We have to be able to work well together.
- I’ve changed my mind about arranged marriages - because now it’s no longer the old school “meet for an hour, get an offer to spend a lifetime”. It’s now arranged dating, which is pretty ok. There’s still this pressure of the families wanting progress reports, but it’s not as terrifying as the stories of our past generations.
- Often when attending arranged marriages, once I see the bride and groom, I feel like the two go so well together. This is maybe controversial haha, but sometimes I feel like they’re visually so similar they're brothers and sisters. It feels like they’re meant to be. Maybe this is my brain rationalizing, or story-telling to make sense of what’s happening, but it really does feel this way time and time again.
- I don't think opposites attract. You can't put an out-going person with a complete stay-at-home-body and expect them to compromise. Sure, with time they'll gradually gravitate to a common ground if they're both open to trying the other's things. But the person who is out-going will forever wish their partner went out more often, and the person who loves their house more will forever wish their partner did less.
- I feel it’s about the tradeoff you’re willing to live with. I dislike that choosing a partner is a trade-off.
- One of the disadvantages for marriage as an institution is the low number of successful marriages I see or hear about around me.
- Here, it’s important to define what a successful marriage is. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and the best I have is: if one was completely financially and physically independent, would they still choose to live with their partner.
- I think the sunk time fallacy applies strongly here too; one might choose to stay because they've already spent so much of their time that they don't know better.
- A big question I ask myself is: Why do people get married in the first place? Marriage and the wedding in itself is more of a contract. An official social contract.
More importantly, why do we seek one long-term partner? I've filtered it down to:
- because we're expected to,
- dwindling social ties as one ages,
- care and support for the rainy days,
- co-parenting children,
- and familiarity - the need for some form of a constant when everything around us changes.
- You can find everything else you're looking for outside of a marriage.
- I would love to find a partner. I feel the need for my person in my life. I want to build memories together. I want to work together on this project titled Life.
- I've been looking for you for a while now. Please show up? 😄